24. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. 71. And get over it. 9. 212. 1. 119. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. 162. I'm a peli-can! If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. Today is a great day. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Lily Tomlin 116. 20. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 8. 44. No, but April may. Read the first word again. Words have the power to make or break us. 8. Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. 128. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. 117. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Nothing, they just waved. I will tell the negative voice inside my head to shut up. Bill Murray Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. It just plain forms. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Its okay if people dont like me. 221. Your email address will not be published. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 197. 30. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. How do you count cows? Why did the can crusher quit his job? Milton Berle If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. 1. No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. 218. 123. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. 185. 246. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 154. Alright, get in the basket. 142. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. 178. The thing is, I am still getting ready. 126. Your life is your message to the world. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Emphasis on the cool. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. 128. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. Its time to be much more intentional about the words that we tell ourselves and take a step back from all of lifes noise. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. 171. 272. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. I choose to stop obsessing about my body. 183. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 64. 127. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. Benjamin Franklin. Love your enemies. 219. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 93. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. Swimming trunks. 217. I am strong and getting stronger every day. I just go normal from time to time. I am lazy till I get a motive. 36. health is important. What do I do for a living? I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. 80. 3. I overcome fears by following my dreams. I am here to live to the fullest. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. 39 funny positive affirmations. In the morning, I cant get up. 250. 245. ". avoid carbs. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Robert A. Heinlein Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. 77. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. With a cowculator. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. 194. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. 30. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. "In life only one thing is certain, Friday will come.". "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. Bill Murray, 260. Not everyone has good taste. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. 6. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. 179. 209. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. 99. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". 220. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 5. Why cant you trust an atom? But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 50. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 182. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. 155. 234. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. Chris Rock 277. 56. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. 112. 27. 228. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. 214. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. When life closes a door, just open it again. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. 59. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Charles M. Schulz. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 260. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Paul Ehrlich, 241. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Ive got three bones. 46. 151. Remember that the effects of affirmations are no laughing matter, so make sure your voice is heard. 46. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. 271. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 35. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Chris Rock, 256. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". 47. 201. Dave Barry. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. 99. 65. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 228. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. 161. They log in. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. And a funny bone. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. No No NOYes. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. 274. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. How do trees access the internet? To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Batwoman: single. 208. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 174. 47. 106. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. I did not trip and fall. I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. 38. Art doesnt transform. 231. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. 227. I tell you what always catches my eye. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. 59. 258. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. 75. 158. What do computers eat for a snack? Some people are like clouds. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. 267. Ive been doing nothing for years. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. 45. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. 161. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. 15. Life is becoming easier and less serious. 112. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Flip Wilson I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. I am calm, patient and at peace. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. 10. Bill Murray I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. Ken Dodd Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 126. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. 165. I dont worry about getting older. 29. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Yeah, so is a grenade. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? I dont go crazy, I am crazy. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. Youre talking to yourself. I honor that time. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. 190. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. Jackie Collins, 240. Sincerely, yourself. Everyone brings happiness to this office. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Billy Wilder. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. 141. In the morning, I cant get up. Unknown. Youre not tequila., 5. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks., 3. 11. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. Lorrin L. Lee. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 82. I intend to live forever. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. East. 81. Raimonda.B. When life closes a door, just open it again. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. 229. Your actions become your habits. You never run out of things that can go wrong. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 66. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. 186. Exercise? I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Im like a postage stamp. All you need is love. 122. Friends buy you food. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. Gary Delaney, 248. "Today will be a great day". Life always offers you a second chance. My body deserves love. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Use this space for describing your block. 249. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Start your day on a positive and lighter note with these funny daily affirmations and quotes to get you through. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 146. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Alison Boulter So far, so good. How do trees access the internet? "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". My son is now an entrepreneur. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. 26. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. It was created to do amazing things. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 104. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. 144. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. Steve Martin, 254. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. I am quite fascinating. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. 3. I am intelligent. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 1. 133. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. My liver still works. George Burns, 253. 230. 35. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? 263. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Positive mindset affirmations. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. "Have a great Wednesday. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. Because they make up everything. 2. Bill Murray, 251. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". As I become responsible, I have got more powers. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 81. I see food, and I eat it. 121. 108. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 221. 1. Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. But it'll move up again.". [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. It will warm you twice unknown. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. 33. With a cowculator. 32. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed. They planet. 20. 157. "Disconnect to connect.". Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. I draw from my inner strength and light. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. Theres no stopping me now. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. We frequently doubt ourselves. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. 113. 10. Because they make up everything. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 169. 193. Its scary when it disappears. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 172. Roy Lichtenstein 134. Have a look! Effective pushing often involves poop. 70. Sam Levenson Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 189. Alright, get in the basket.. How do astronomers organize a party? My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
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